journal of an elegant and modern day mistress (courtesan)

emotional distance

2005-11-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

It is said that..being a Mistress/Courtesan means that you should know when to develop an emotional intimacy and also when to maintain an emotional distance.
Theorically, it's easy. Sounds like a 123 step. But..in reality..it's difficult. Well, yes it is at first! But then..after you become more experienced and have gone through emotional growth, it gets more adjustable (I'm not saying easier! I never said that it's easy).

As you grow emotionally, you realize that monogamy is just a fantasy, and perhaps...make believe! And that makes things more adjustable, in every way. I know, at the moment he's deeply attached to me, that the emotional aspect is growing strong. But I can't let myself get carried away, since I have to be alert all the time. Because, this arrangement is not forever. We might end up in a wedlock..or..we might..go on our own sweet ways. It's more likely, that I'm the one who's going to dissapear, move away..because ..I'm not the type who settles down. Really. Maybe, not for now.

choices

2005-09-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

Today I meet an old friend and had a lovely lunch together. During the meeting, I realized that one thing I admired of her since the first time I met her was her strength. Let's call her Bea. She's a mistress for a dotcom top executive and during their mistress agreement they have a baby boy who's 2 years old now.

During my courtesan years, I always think of Bea's strength and her ability to stick to her choice no matter how bad the situation turned out to be, and it eventually paid off well.
Life is about making choices, making them wisely..and the most important thing is, to listen to your heart, follow your heart when you make a choice.

red roses

2005-09-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some soul searching this past weeks and realize that The CEO and I have become way much closer than we ever expected. And this following story is the result of our increased closeness :
As usual, our weekends are quiet and cozy. One night, he had a dinner invitation with family members which means he could not take me along. He got dressed, made some phone calls to aunts, cousins and sibblings. They are going to have dinner at a restaurant with him.And everybody's looking forward to meet him since he's such a busy person.

So there I was, alone for 3 hours at the penthouse..waiting for him to return. I did some light cooking, reading and listened to some new CDs I bought. Since it has been quite a hectic day, I fell asleep while reading in bed...

3 hours later I woke up with a single red rose on my tummy. Apparently he already returned, decided not to wake me up.., watched me sleeping and as I woke up and thanked him for the lovely red rose, he told me how he had been restless the whole evening, thinking about me...how he can't wait to hurry home. What a pleasant surprise it was. Really made me smile whenever I think of our wonderful weekend together.

on marriage

2005-08-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

Me and The CEO had long drives, romantic dinners, exotic getaways together, candle light intimate nights...and now, someone from the real world, a decent man who has a good career, single, who's attractive and was everything I ever wanted in a man, wants to marry me!

He travelled a thousand miles to propose and all I can say was no. My thoughts on marriage have changed ever since I entered this path of companionship. I no longer see it as an absolut need, it's something done by choice. But personally, after achieving so much by myself, I would reconsider a million times before deciding to walk down the isle with someone.

I already have an independent and abundant life, I am happy being me. I am happy living this life, choosing this path, deciding things for myself, having the independence to live and enjoy everything. You can call it selfish, or maybe I have reached the level where it's hard to turn back anymore. It's very hard indeed.

I am an ambitious woman. Right now, I have everything I want without being married. I am happy and content. And nothing will change my mind for now ;-)

PS. Things are getting more personal between me and The CEO

the gardens of peace

2005-08-29T03:55:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, The CEO cancelled some of his schedule in order to join me on a botanical garden journey. I love plants and flowers and walking through a 2 hectare orchid garden gave me internal peace and a feeling of calmness that is hard to describe.
We walked slowly, following paths and checking exotic orchid breeding at the glass houses. It was nice. I took several pictures using my mobile phone and we proceed to another garden, a medicine garden.

The garden was about 1 hectare wide and it has varieties of medical purposed plants which are very interesting to look at and after that we drank green coconut juice right from the coconut itself. It was a calming and relaxing time, a moment we stole away from our busy schedules. I know it's hard to accept that this is not a real life, it's a fantasy. The CEO is not my man, he is a lover who happens to be in my life at this point of time. I'm not supposed to fall in love and so does he. It's all strictly business. Only with better decorums.

So, I return home to the same pattern again. As usual. No emotions.
(Am I being honest with myself when i stated this?) :)

bliss

2005-08-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have often experienced bliss when I'm with him. It's a certain tranquility that I can't describe with words. Being a courtesan and spending time with him can be a challenge for each session, because we both grow. Being two independent human beings with our own ambitions and goals and our passion for learning, creates a dynamic ever changing growth in both of our lives. And therefor it's important for me to keep up with everything that is going on in his life, not for the sake of keeping him but because I love learning myself and that I see every challenge coming as an opportunity.

I have thought about marriage , which does not attract me so far and I must make plans that are reasonable for the future. Of course I enjoy being a courtesan, and living this kind of life can be tricky because it can make you too comfortable with all the good things it offers. That's why I must already plan a future. We have discussed about it together this morning more in a tensed atmosphere because he insists that I should further a higher degree in education and get rid of anything that can distract my attention from the important agendas. He is willing to take care of anything, anything and anything and I just have to name it.

And he said something that made me shiver.... "you're under my wings now.."

in between

2005-08-16T02:37:00.000-07:00

My work at the office lately has occupied my mind and caused a severe tense that made me slightly uncomfortable with my daily activities. But it's still quite managable. I can still handle it. In spite of all the roles I have to perform leading a double life like this, I'm doing quite positive.

It's hard to expect any legitimacy from The CEO since I am his 'hidden one' a.k.a mistress thus I guess for the next few years my life will be at this point, at this stage and not much will change so far. Maybe financially things will have a rapid improvement, there will be a boost, but status wise and work wise things will still be hectic like this and I will still remain single until I don't know when.

One by one, friends are planning their weddings and pre nups leaving me on my own, which makes me a bit mellow somehow, esp whenever I remember my childhood dream..which was so simple (way back then), to be a beautiful bride and live happily ever after. I believe that happiness is a matter of choice and it has a connection with your priorities. What are your priorities at the moment in life? Is it happiness? A warm home with kids? Or a sharp career and fulfilling your ambitions? It's up to you. Mine is obvious. I want the good life. And I have made my choice.

alright..i'm alright

2005-08-09T03:15:00.000-07:00

Having a positive mind is important as a human being, not just when we are facing difficult times but also when we are maintaining our self analyzing skills.
So far, lots of evidence have proven us that a positive mind results in a positive outcome.

It's terrible to see the negativity many people have towards themselves and others nowadays. But, in the end it's a matter of choice. When you wake up each morning, you have a choice to turn the day into a positive or negative one...and the results coming out (believe it or not) are determined by your choices.

I believe that we all choose the kind of life we are living and we all are responsible for our future.

too much

2005-08-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend me and the CEO went for a quiet night out dining at our favorite trendy restaurant and followed by some shopping. We bought some wine and interesting coffee table books, and also checked some unique interior accesories. In the midst of choosing and picking the desired items, unconsciously i held his hand..being completely unaware of his status in society and the agreements we had (no public display of affection).
Being a decent and sophisticated gentleman he is, subtly he can manage a smooth gesture to ease the situation when being too comfortable can be deceiving for the mind, especially if you are not out with a girlfriend or fiancee or legal wife..but with a muse, a mistress, a paid girlfriend. There are things and protocols that should be kept in mind, kept in close consideration, since at that moment i lost awareness of that. Being in my own comfort zone.

When reality bites, it feels odd. I've been around him for so long. Of course when we are in private things are completely different from that. It has always been romantic, amusing and sweet. It's not appropriate for me to have these dissapointments when reality hits, it's part of the consequences I have to go through, choosing this path. It's hard not to fall and it's hard to keep an emotional distance at a stable amount without having mixed feelings deep down inside.
At this moment, all the glittering gifts seem not to matter because after all I believe, that all women, no matter how happy she is in her own little world with her man, yearns for some sort of acknowledgement when it comes to the perso who holds a soft spot inside her mind.

Should I just act my way out of it, considering that this is just a phase in my life I'm going through before I get what I want and pursue my way out of it to join the normal-regular life...?? But what if I choose to stay here, because this is where I want to be?

that's it..i'm a mistress

2005-07-20T04:56:00.000-07:00

Call it whatever. "the hidden one", or "secret girlfriend"..and that's what I am. This man is a CEO and he wants to keep his single status but he also wants a lover, companion, someone to be with..but not to wed and not to introduce to family and friends. And I'm filling that void. The secret girlfriend.

I shove off a marriage proposal from another man to maintain this "secret girlfriend" status. Of course I'm getting financial benefits. But it's not because of that.It's because of stupid emotional reasons that I can't believe I still have.

It's not a good thing to develop or have an emotional attachment to someone, especially if he was a client. I should have kept an emotional distance since beginning but it's way too hard with him because he's everything I ever wanted in a man but too bad he's a client.

This is a strange path of life, a lonely path, but also has independence in it. Regardless of it, I'm also not a common person with common thoughts. I'm the strange pea in the pot. So there you go.

some changes

2005-06-28T02:40:00.000-07:00

Not so long ago, it was hard for me to remember what being in love was like. Since working as a companion really gives me a variable chance in meeting different people on a frequent basis. I had no family plans, no serious relationship plans and none of that.

But now, in the middle of nowhere the hands of time and a higher power have made me land into the presence of one young man that is very eager to form a matrimony bond with me.
Shall I proceed? Let's wait and see as I will go on with the details later :-)

a look at life

2005-06-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

this week is packed with shopping, some romance-based quirks and more shopping.
while the sky is the limit, it seems hard to look at life and be thankful. when can i ever be happy?

being thankful

2005-06-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder I it's so hard to be happy and grateful with what I have?
Living in this society where hedonism is in the air can be so stressfull sometimes. I mean, there are nights I have to keep telling myself that I am pretty lucky and content to have a pleasant day job, a secret long term liasion with the CEO(with a well planned future of course), a nice apartment, a chance to pamper myself with anything I like, except sex with other men.

Why am I gloomy? Is it the matter of sex? Or is it just the way I keep looking up rather than looking around?
I have all weekend to think about it. Plenty of time, and nice things to come. And of course, a strong masculine arm around my body all night. His warmth. I'm anticipating it now. I guess I have to learn on being content with what I have. That will make life easier to embrace.

Lately I realize that being single, at the age of 27 and having experienced sexual revolution, is something that excites me very much, something I'm very thankful for. I am perfectly happy being the best kept secret of the CEO who still maintains his single status, perfectly okay with everything that goes on lately. All the plans he discussed with me are nice. Our quiet afternoons, warm evenings are so tranquil. Being next to him, inhaling his scent and feelings his warmth is tantalizing.

I don't know what my feelings are for him yet. No love, not yet..But it's positive and the important thing is, it's mutual. We have future plans for vacations and numerous trips..
No need to look up at other people and feel bad about myself anymore. What I have is good. Perhaps it's the best. Very "Pretty Woman-esque". And writing this blog helps. I feel much better now. It's self-therapy :-)

to be or not to be?

2005-05-31T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm twisted, honestly speaking. Between becoming a special companion for one gentleman only or becoming independent on my own, choosing my clients.
Before I close all doors...and spend myself thinking and thinking..I will think of these incredibly heart warming words send by a close friend :

Success doesn't come to you, you have to go to it. It's up to you to open the door to opportunity. The golden opportunity you are seeking is inside of you. It is not in your environment; it is not in chance or luck, or the help of others; it is inside of you alone. You can start precisely where you are at any time. The grass always looks greener in far away places, but opportunity lies right where you are. Take advantage of them when they appear. You don't need more strength,more ability or greater opportunity. What you need is to use what you have. Learn to seize good fortune, for it is always around you. Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity.When you educate yourself, you build the power to accomplish your goals.........

being exclusive

2005-05-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the world of exclusivity!

From today on, I have become a very discreet & exclusive companion, only catering 1-2 gentlemen per year, limiting myself due to limitations of time and high demand ;-)

Formerly, I have 6-7 clients per year. I have cut that amount to 1-2 only and manage to keep it that way.
The CEO wants me exclusively at any cost, I guess I am quite lucky..he described me as a jewel. The higher the price, the fewer can wear it. I like that analogy.

I am engaged to his demands for the time being.

Well, that's it for today. I have some shopping to do. I'll blog my thoughts later on this matter.

what if

2005-05-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

what if someone won't let go?
what if someone waant to give everything..even their life..for you?
from what started simple...now turns into a complication of feelings..........

this is what i am into right now. i know the stakes i know the game..and i know i shouldn't get into this or i am being not professional :-(
i should have cut this a long time ago and leave him. but he clings and hold on to me and something inside me just can't let go.
that's why i am here call me childish or weak but someday somehow i will be over this and i believe whatever happens, happens for the good eventually.

homework

2005-05-19T01:04:00.000-07:00

After our break up..The CEO stopped contacting me for 3-4 days..and one morning i'm suprised by a beep on my cellphone. It was him. Giving me a homework. To go to a dealer and pick a car I like..he's going to pay for it. I don't know what to say, call me naive. I don't know how to defy our relationship cause there is no definition for it probably. It's client-companion relation mixed up blurred up with emotions and a dash of real romance I think.

Well..leave the thinking up to me..for the time being :-)
This morning a conversation with a friend (she is a courtesan as well, but her client is going to marry her by the end of the year) interests me. There are girls out there..who simply won't end this, because they prefer to be companion, a paid girlfriend, rather than get married. I might get back to this subject later on. But yes, many do..because eventually they enjoy the freedom, the money and all the interesting trips which can't be obtained through marriage.

Wow! This new paradigma shrugs all the traditional concepts about adulthood and marriage life..which my parents/grandma taught me long ago. Sometimes, I am amazed on how life has change..or on how I have changed, throughout the years.

still

2005-05-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

He said that it's over and we should not be in touch but yet STILL...he contacted me..he can't forget me..
Even if he keeps a distance..because being close without being able to own me hurts...STILL he manage to watch out for me..from afar...
He said that he will be out of my life completely...but STILL he stayed.....

You know who you are and sometimes feelings can't be put into words...not even feelings, sometimes even situations like this are very hard for other people to understand. What we had was not a liasion..it was much more deeper than that and we both know.
We parted ways...but yet you are never apart from me in reality..STILL you manage to stay somehow...

Nothing compares to you..STILL

(dedicated to The CEO who has left footprints in my heart and mind..and yet STILL manage to stay even from a far)

bitersweet indeed

2005-05-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Saying goodnye is never easy. Especially when someone is imprinted into your heart and mind for quite some time.
It all started with business. He was a client. Then he wanted more..more...the problem is I just started and can't separated emotions from business. There we go on a rollercoaster ride that is confusing and hurting....
Should've listen to Brad about separating emotions, feelings from business. A lesson learned in a hard way.

Now I finally let the curtains fall. We are not seeing each other anymore. He is The CEO and I am the companion girl. It all started like a scene from the Pretty Woman movie. And ended in a bittersweet ending.

I might talk about this later. This is for today. I can't write much...I'll get emotional.

sweet ending

2005-05-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

It was ultimately weird to realize at some point that..things are over. Last night I experienced it. Laughed..cried and laughed again with the same man…

His name was Raul. He’s my ex boyfriend. I met him through office work. He never knew that I was a companion. We had a fulfilling relationship until one fine and sunny day..he broke the news to me that he still has a wife..but they separated. I feel struck by lightning. Cried and cried..couldn’t accept the fact.
At that time I was ready to leave this all..and live a normal life with him. But all my dreams and hopes are torn apart.

So..it took me 2 months to finally forget and get over him. Of course companion work did a lot of wonders to help me keep my mind away. Until one fine evening..under the glittering city lights….I finally accept the farewell dinner invitation..followed by a slow dance and a passionate lovemaking between the sheets…

After making love..he told me that if things go well with his wife, then he will never ever have an affair anymore. Tears rolled down my face as I remember how pure my feelings were and he considered it only as an affair. To my surprise, the man cried too. It was emotional for both of us.

“Raul..you know I really loved you. She’s lucky to have your commitment. Something I wish would have been mine..”

“Candy..no no! It’s not about luck. To me..you are special..I know I’ll never have warm moments and passionate sex like this again ever…you have such a pure heart and the most beautiful face I have ever seen..please…I only want you to be happy and I know in time you will find someone to make you happy.”

“It’s sad...to finally end the story…our story. The feelings I had for you were so pure and sincere. Like wild flowers who were not meant to grow on the side of the street…so they have to be removed. It hurts.., Raul.”

“Come on baby…please. I don’t know what the future holds”

Then there is a silent pause. Knowing myself very well, I could have been angry and continue sobbing. But..somehow my heart said that I’m going to be fine. And..indeed he’s not the type of man with a strong personality that I want to be with permanently. Raul is too weak. He doesn’t control the waves of life, but the waves control him. Destiny can be created, but he doesn’t believe that.

To my surprise, I smiled. Then he hugged me hard. We both laughed. Then I fell asleep with his strong hands holding me all night. The story is closed. With a sweet ending, definitely not a happy ending, far from my expectation. But somehow, I can accept that…. J

mixed up

2005-05-10T07:32:00.000-07:00

Never mix emotions and professionalism..! Never get emotional with a client! This is what my friend Brad told me..he's a male companion who already has a steady relationship with his sugar daddy.
This was the advice he gave me on my early start up days..as he knows..how emotional I am.

And I know he is right...especially since the CEO wants to me more than client-companion. He wants to get involved in my life, he wants to be a friend. And more than that, he wants me out of the business.

Months pass by and I could easily act as if I am not doing it anymore but eventually in the end The CEO knows and I reach a point where I prefer not to see him anymore as too much personal emotions contaminate our togetherness (mostly from his part) which make me feel very uncomfortable

I love my freedom, and I still breathe and live it. Being a companion really opened up my eyes..I see the world in a different perspective..it's a personal liberation for me..and I'm not ready to commit yet. Maybe some of you might think I am crazy. This man is well educated, a fine bachelor with a soaring career still in his 30s and the only one he wants right now is me. But I just can't do it. I can't commit.

I am slowly moving away from him now..I know this is painful for him but I need to do this. And I know this is the right thing to do for this time.

the ceo 2

2005-05-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

i swear someday i'm gonna write my story and put it into a novel..!

my meeting with the ceo sounds like a fairy tale, pretty woman-esque like...but it's true! Maybe it's my luck..but maybe it's coincidence...
it's every girl's dream to meet with high quality men, whether she is a companion or not..to meet with the knight in shining armour type : bachelor, handsome, well educated, high position, 30 something and successfull PLUS : romantic, knows very well how to treat a lady...

our meeting day starts with a simple phone call..and voila! i'm in his penthouse suite already..and yes,..within a matter of time, from once/week becomes 2-3 times/week dating and then..i am already a part of his life.
indeed it's pretty woman esque... :-) he definitely introduced me into a whole new world

the ceo

2005-05-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

my first client was a CEO and become a regular until now. he's the youngest CEO i ever met so far. he's 33 and his career is soaring. i remember the first time i met him. so arrogant. bossy. snotty. you name it.

physically he's good looking and athletic. the man works out religiously at the gym. his life is so straight and boring. being single (and wanted to stay that way for as long as possible), his life consists of work, travelling and gym. his occasional treat is shopping and spending time with friends on the golf court.

i meet him every week. regularly. and already become a part of his life now. it's hard to explain the bond. i accompany him on occasions, travel with him, celebrate special days with him....and made some impacts on him eventually after almost a year.

"candy, you made me smile more, be more warm hearted with peope, be more caring and considerate. i can't thank you enough for all this."
and this keeps me going as a companion. i know i have done my best. because i put my heart in it.

first post

2005-05-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

whew! finally i have my blog. a place to express my thoughts and experiences as an upscale companion. time has been running fast recently, without realizing i'm already at the 5th month of the year 2005. i am an upscale companion for executives and i have a few regular gentlemen whom i see on a regular basis, selecting them carefully with this principal : quality over quantity.

you probably wonder when i started this all. okay, i will tell you about it someday. of course i will. being a companion/mistress/travel companion is something i never thought i will do. as i was born and bred in a good family. got good education at private schools, entered a prestige public university, travelled around the globe on holidays...which makes me multilingual.

plus, i also have a nice job at a nice company and a good reputation, a clean cut image which i must maintain. this year i am 27, and still single. i have been in and out of love (speaking of relationships)..
as a woman, i know that i have been blessed with natural assets of beauty. crystal smooth skin, delicate features and big breasts plus a firm and round ass which make my figure appear curvy and tempting.

my family was a typical middle-upper class type of family with a fast life style. my dad was a succesfull executive who travelled the world on business trips all the time. i only got to see him once or twice a month. i remember there were times when his work was so hectic i only see him once in 3 months :( his fast lifestyle, plus his type A personality (workaholic, perfectionist) made him lost his life at a young age due to overwork (ironic, he never gets to fully enjoy the luxuries he had with his money). he was 50 when he passed away. i was 15 at that time.

while mom..was a model & actress (who succesfully her genes to me)..who is very spoiled. all she did was shopping and travelling. she had a nice little life filled with all the luxuries provided by dad.