emotional distance
It is said that..being a Mistress/Courtesan means that you should know when to develop an emotional intimacy and also when to maintain an emotional distance.
Theorically, it's easy. Sounds like a 123 step. But..in reality..it's difficult. Well, yes it is at first! But then..after you become more experienced and have gone through emotional growth, it gets more adjustable (I'm not saying easier! I never said that it's easy).
As you grow emotionally, you realize that monogamy is just a fantasy, and perhaps...make believe! And that makes things more adjustable, in every way. I know, at the moment he's deeply attached to me, that the emotional aspect is growing strong. But I can't let myself get carried away, since I have to be alert all the time. Because, this arrangement is not forever. We might end up in a wedlock..or..we might..go on our own sweet ways. It's more likely, that I'm the one who's going to dissapear, move away..because ..I'm not the type who settles down. Really. Maybe, not for now.
choices
Today I meet an old friend and had a lovely lunch together. During the meeting, I realized that one thing I admired of her since the first time I met her was her strength. Let's call her Bea. She's a mistress for a dotcom top executive and during their mistress agreement they have a baby boy who's 2 years old now.
During my courtesan years, I always think of Bea's strength and her ability to stick to her choice no matter how bad the situation turned out to be, and it eventually paid off well.
Life is about making choices, making them wisely..and the most important thing is, to listen to your heart, follow your heart when you make a choice.
red roses
I have been doing some soul searching this past weeks and realize that The CEO and I have become way much closer than we ever expected. And this following story is the result of our increased closeness :
As usual, our weekends are quiet and cozy. One night, he had a dinner invitation with family members which means he could not take me along. He got dressed, made some phone calls to aunts, cousins and sibblings. They are going to have dinner at a restaurant with him.And everybody's looking forward to meet him since he's such a busy person.
So there I was, alone for 3 hours at the penthouse..waiting for him to return. I did some light cooking, reading and listened to some new CDs I bought. Since it has been quite a hectic day, I fell asleep while reading in bed...
3 hours later I woke up with a single red rose on my tummy. Apparently he already returned, decided not to wake me up.., watched me sleeping and as I woke up and thanked him for the lovely red rose, he told me how he had been restless the whole evening, thinking about me...how he can't wait to hurry home. What a pleasant surprise it was. Really made me smile whenever I think of our wonderful weekend together.
on marriage
Me and The CEO had long drives, romantic dinners, exotic getaways together, candle light intimate nights...and now, someone from the real world, a decent man who has a good career, single, who's attractive and was everything I ever wanted in a man, wants to marry me!
He travelled a thousand miles to propose and all I can say was no. My thoughts on marriage have changed ever since I entered this path of companionship. I no longer see it as an absolut need, it's something done by choice. But personally, after achieving so much by myself, I would reconsider a million times before deciding to walk down the isle with someone.
I already have an independent and abundant life, I am happy being me. I am happy living this life, choosing this path, deciding things for myself, having the independence to live and enjoy everything. You can call it selfish, or maybe I have reached the level where it's hard to turn back anymore. It's very hard indeed.
I am an ambitious woman. Right now, I have everything I want without being married. I am happy and content. And nothing will change my mind for now ;-)
PS. Things are getting more personal between me and The CEO
the gardens of peace
Last weekend, The CEO cancelled some of his schedule in order to join me on a botanical garden journey. I love plants and flowers and walking through a 2 hectare orchid garden gave me internal peace and a feeling of calmness that is hard to describe.
We walked slowly, following paths and checking exotic orchid breeding at the glass houses. It was nice. I took several pictures using my mobile phone and we proceed to another garden, a medicine garden.
The garden was about 1 hectare wide and it has varieties of medical purposed plants which are very interesting to look at and after that we drank green coconut juice right from the coconut itself. It was a calming and relaxing time, a moment we stole away from our busy schedules. I know it's hard to accept that this is not a real life, it's a fantasy. The CEO is not my man, he is a lover who happens to be in my life at this point of time. I'm not supposed to fall in love and so does he. It's all strictly business. Only with better decorums.
So, I return home to the same pattern again. As usual. No emotions.
(Am I being honest with myself when i stated this?) :)
bliss
I have often experienced bliss when I'm with him. It's a certain tranquility that I can't describe with words. Being a courtesan and spending time with him can be a challenge for each session, because we both grow. Being two independent human beings with our own ambitions and goals and our passion for learning, creates a dynamic ever changing growth in both of our lives. And therefor it's important for me to keep up with everything that is going on in his life, not for the sake of keeping him but because I love learning myself and that I see every challenge coming as an opportunity.
I have thought about marriage , which does not attract me so far and I must make plans that are reasonable for the future. Of course I enjoy being a courtesan, and living this kind of life can be tricky because it can make you too comfortable with all the good things it offers. That's why I must already plan a future. We have discussed about it together this morning more in a tensed atmosphere because he insists that I should further a higher degree in education and get rid of anything that can distract my attention from the important agendas. He is willing to take care of anything, anything and anything and I just have to name it.
And he said something that made me shiver....
"you're under my wings now.."
in between
My work at the office lately has occupied my mind and caused a severe tense that made me slightly uncomfortable with my daily activities. But it's still quite managable. I can still handle it. In spite of all the roles I have to perform leading a double life like this, I'm doing quite positive.
It's hard to expect any legitimacy from The CEO since I am his 'hidden one' a.k.a mistress thus I guess for the next few years my life will be at this point, at this stage and not much will change so far. Maybe financially things will have a rapid improvement, there will be a boost, but status wise and work wise things will still be hectic like this and I will still remain single until I don't know when.
One by one, friends are planning their weddings and pre nups leaving me on my own, which makes me a bit mellow somehow, esp whenever I remember my childhood dream..which was so simple (way back then), to be a beautiful bride and live happily ever after. I believe that happiness is a matter of choice and it has a connection with your priorities. What are your priorities at the moment in life? Is it happiness? A warm home with kids? Or a sharp career and fulfilling your ambitions? It's up to you. Mine is obvious. I want the good life. And I have made my choice.
